City ambassadors or pseudo police?

It took nearly an entire year to reconstruct Swanston Street, one of the most frequented bits of Melbourne's CBD. Most of the time, hardly anyone could be seen actually working on the reconstruction, and most passers-by were busy enough to squeeze through the narrow bits of pavement left for the pedestrian part of the population.

Unlike many European City centres, traffic is still allowed to pass through, not only Melbourne's iconic (privatised, over-aged and not build for capacity) trams, but cars can still make their way through as well. The planners came up with a solution for cyclists that only convinced car fans can conceive, having a bike path between the waiting area for tram passengers and the tram lines.

In good old Australian fascist fashion, markings on the pavement tell the pedestrian what they should do. The bike path is marked with dozens of 'KEEP CLEAR' stencils, large signs for cyclists order them to stop and let tram passengers pass at the four stations along the reconstructed area. As it takes a while to re-educate the population to a new set of rules, I take a lot of care while using the bike path on my unicycle, as it's often taken as convenient short cut to cross the road, or as waiting area despite the 'Keep clear' markings.

The latest station to be finished is in front of the RMIT, and many students have sufficient attention deficits to bumble into the bike path, which really doesn't bother me much, as I'm not too fast on the unicycle.

The architectural preference of Europe in the 80s dominated the station design: cool metal and glass, and strange blue lights potentially as tribute to the 21st century. I haven't waited in rainy conditions for a tram there, but I guess the idea of sheltering waiting passenger is meant rather symbolic than practical, like at many tram stops in Melbourne.

The benches, made of thin steel bars, are not only cold and uncomfortable, they are outright dangerous as I had to find out today. I got distracted on my way to one of them, and hit my knee against the side of a bench. Although I was moving in a rather slow pace, the sharp profile of the thin bars poking out at the side of it left a gashing wound. I guess many people will be injured by this stupid design, which ironically happened while I observed some activity most likely intended to increase the safety at the newly build stations.

Melbourne has some volunteers acting as city ambassadors, wearing bright red shirts and caps, available usually to answer questions. They usually roam Swanston Street in pairs, the pair I asked about the spy cams at the intersection I met them didn't even know about their existence in first place. Unlike described on the city councils website, the cameras that look eerily similar to those that became more familiar after the reporting about Trapwire, there's no signage indicating their presence. As the MCC promotes the pervasive CCTV surveillance to increase the feeling of safety, I wonder how this can be achieved when hardly anyone notice them.

Today, however, two ambassadors approached cyclists and pedestrian who didn't follow the proper rules of making use of the redesigned tram stop in front of RMIT. When I saw them ganging up on a cyclist for rolling a bit along the tram, I tripped into the bench as I couldn't really believe what I saw.

I didn't even notice the bleeding until after I sat down - hitting your knees always hurts a lot, but this was the first time I ran into something that sliced the skin so easily. After telling the cyclist off, the ambassadors continued to have a watchful eye on everyone passing through their area of righteousness. The older one of them even walked after a guy in suit for 10 metres or so to inform him that he went on the 'wrong' part of the tram stop.

Give a man a uniform, and he turns into a fascist, drunk by power and self-importance. I wonder whether they acted out of their own idea to preserve law and order at the tram stop, or if the ambassadors are now trained to interfere with the dangerous elements of society that lack obedience to the writing on the pavement, and in an incredible act of defiance, walk on the bike path.

The most liveable city on this planet, now with power-tripping ambassadors, 'free' bikes that only cost a couple of dollars (not refundable), soon without single tickets for public transport, instead with a Myki that can be conveniently ordered and sent to your home for only $10 (non refundable). If you dare not to understand the PT ticketing system, gangs of ticket inspectors might detain you for a while, and after some weeks of using stations like Flinders Street or Melbourne central you will find your way around, and no longer complain about the lack of signs towards the platforms or the exit.

The zombie apocalypse has already begun, people leave their common sense at home because in public it's neither required nor appreciated. If you break the rules, someone in uniform will fine you so that sufficient memory traces for obedient behaviour are burned into your neurons. As neither Orwell nor Huxley got it 100% right, the mixture of 1984 and Brave New World is now normal Australian behaviour - distracted by sex and drugs, permanently surveilled and bossed around by people in uniform just following orders. Hooray!